I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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