Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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