I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
