I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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