Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
