I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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