A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
