My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
