Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i believe in u and ur pee
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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