she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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