He disabled his match.com account in front of me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Let's get the cat blown out
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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