A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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