Texts From Last Night

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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  only room for one pussy in that bed.

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  (262): When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy. (612): only room for one pussy in that bed. http://tfl.nu/8gho
  Replies (9) Good night (915) Bad night (2431)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.

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  (902): I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out. http://tfl.nu/3h1q
  Replies (13) Good night (1076) Bad night (3241)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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  (352): I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last http://tfl.nu/oknv
  Replies (34) Good night (1503) Bad night (5478)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.

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  (803): worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week. http://tfl.nu/ib48
  Replies (28) Good night (757) Bad night (3190)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.

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  (512): I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two. http://tfl.nu/pdyq
  Replies (10) Good night (1094) Bad night (3707)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I understand Curling. That high.

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  (757): I understand Curling. That high. http://tfl.nu/c58u
  Replies (39) Good night (7373) Bad night (928)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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  (701): does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat? http://tfl.nu/hd1u
  Replies (56) Good night (7063) Bad night (2153)
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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  (+45): You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right? http://tfl.nu/cwve
  Replies (9) Good night (4057) Bad night (1721)
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  (213): View more from California

  The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.

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  (213): The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out. http://tfl.nu/jmae
  Replies (4) Good night (2236) Bad night (742)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found

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  (405): I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found http://tfl.nu/l324
  Replies (7) Good night (2833) Bad night (1339)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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  (774): Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist. http://tfl.nu/bzfc
  Replies (9) Good night (3916) Bad night (1346)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  $200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

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  (724): $200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm. http://tfl.nu/59s4
  Replies (9) Good night (1739) Bad night (512)
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  (315): View more from New York

  He tried to tip me with his police badge...

  (1-315): View more from New York

  and you didn't accept WHY?!

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  (315): He tried to tip me with his police badge... (1-315): and you didn't accept WHY?! http://tfl.nu/ie3g
  Replies (2) Good night (701) Bad night (394)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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  (908): When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?! http://tfl.nu/arig
  Replies (3) Good night (1420) Bad night (336)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA

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  (859): Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA http://tfl.nu/za2f
  Replies (4) Good night (745) Bad night (174)

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