Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card