TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?