Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.