what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
