so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
