She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
