I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
