Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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