I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
