why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
