Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
