Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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