I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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