I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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