i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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