Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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