The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
