i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
