my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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