I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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