It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
