you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
