someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
