Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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