There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
