I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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