dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
