Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
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In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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