mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
