New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
