So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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