Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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