Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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