we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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