So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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