It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
