Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So vagazzling was a success
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
