For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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