I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
