dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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