the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
