Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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