Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
