Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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