So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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