did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
