When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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