it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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