my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
