this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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