You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
