its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
