I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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