dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
